Recovering from a mental wound is very similar to recovering from physical injuries. It hurts like hell for forever, and then slowly starts to improve, with lots of fits and starts. Then, once the initial wound is largely put back together, there's lots of time with physical therapy. You push the boundaries slowly, and it hurts along the way and has lots of backlashes against the pain of physical therapy, until eventually things get strong and working again.
A lot of the day-to-day pain is gone or lesser now, so it would seem I'm in the physical therapy mode now. Having a job again is pushing my boundaries a lot, and other things, too, like the traveling I've been doing recently and trying to make myself into a better melee commander and rapier fighter/teacher/coordinator/marshal. Oh, and my car broke for over a week, which was super stressful, and looks like something was put back incorrectly so it will need to go back into the shop soon. So, more stress.
I'm exhausted, and having breakdowns. I feel like there's too much on my plate right now. I'm taking on more again, and overall accomplishing more than I've been able to, but I'm also paying the price for it. I have to keep reminding myself that this, too, will improve with time. That this is part of the process.
I haven't done any leatherworking in over two weeks, and I hate that. I have two commissions, waiting to be worked on, and I usually try to be more on top of those. I'm hoping I can get to them tomorrow, this weekend, or next week. Wait, I actually have four commissions, if you include the two for Mom, which I keep forgetting about. Sorry, Mom... I love you!
Blogging is something that I have loved doing, so much, for the past 15 months. I definitely want to keep doing it, and don't want to break my twice-a-week deadline as much as possible. But I might end up taking lots of impromptu breaks from blogging this summer, as I get used to having more responsibility in my life again, and the backlash that goes along with that, until I get stronger. As I deal with all of the grieving anniversaries that summer always brings, and my mood stability worsens anyway.
I'm taking one of those breaks now. I'm taking a mental health vacation from blogging for the next two weeks. I'll check in with something at the beginning of June, and see how things are going.
Recovery is hard, and takes tons of time. Just because you can't see my wounds - I can't point to a physical scar or a cast or anything - doesn't make that less true. I have to keep repeating this to myself, too, to remind myself of this. Recovery is hard.
Labels: grief, life