I just wanted to say this, so I can remember it later.
As far as I can tell, Sunday was the first day I've had that was what life was like before DeForest died. After I got past the first couple hours of "ugh, I have a cold" (until the meds kicked in and I felt okay), I had a great day, by myself, happy without effort. I got a ton done. My living room is clean, I mended a few things, and I wrote five blog posts (others scheduled to come out over the next couple weeks). But more importantly than how much I got done (I've had other productive days), was that I didn't have to convince myself to do these things, once the day got started. I was effortlessly happy and content.
I've had plenty of decent days since DeForest passed. But throughout each one of them, I have had to do internal coaching to get things done, and to push myself into activities that I enjoyed and had fun doing. I had to convince myself to do things, telling myself "just do this one thing, it'll make you feel better later," or "you feel sad and lost, so distract yourself with this task - you feel like doing that task now, so treat yourself and do that; listen to this podcast while doing it - you'll manage to ignore over the ache and the lonely feeling for a while."
There was no coaching, once the day got going. There wasn't a aching, lonely feeling waiting when I had a moment when I wasn't distracted, or coasting alone underneath everything. I was just happy. Like I used to be.
One day. Sunday, February 23rd, 2014. One year, seven months, and eight days later.
The last couple days have been more low-energy again, more feeling listless and uncertain again, more lonely again. It might take weeks or months until I have another day like this.
Still love you, dear heart of mine. Still miss you. But I've had one day. This is awesome. ~Kelly
Labels: grief, life